Interpersonal

Relationships

A relationship is the history of interactions between two or more people. Relationships are based on reciprocity—mutual exchange. Although each relationship has many features that define it, one pervasive characteristic is the level of symmetry of the exchanges. A relationship is either symmetrical and peer-based, or it is asymmetrical and power-based. In a peer based relationship each person regards the others as their equal. In a power based relationship, one person is in the “one-up” position, the position of power, and the other is in the “one-down” submissive position. This ranking may be well know and accepted, it may be disputed by the people in the relationship, the actual ranking may be inverted from the apparent or expected ranking, or it may be unknown to the people in the relationship.

Relationship Status

A relationship exists whenever two people meet or communicate. This relationship can have a wide variety of characteristics, which we call the “relationship status”.

The tone of communication contributes to the relationship status, and of course the relationship status contributes to the tone of communication. Various possible dimensions of the relationship, and extremes establishing each pole, are listed in the following table:

Relationship Modes Combinations of the various relationship states described above can occur in many recognizable patterns by stimulating limbic attractors. Popular names for these relationship modes include: frosty, “in the dog house”, estranged, close, antagonistic, warm, intimate, tumultuous, parent / child, teacher / student, adult, peer, healthy, strained, manipulative, platonic, détente, poisoned, volatile, strained, abusive, and oppressive. Each of these terms informally refers to a constellation of particular relationship states.

Mutual Relationships: Relationships can be primarily mutual, where the people are connected, work as peers, and benefit each other. In mutual relationships there is openness to influence, emotional availability, and a constantly changing pattern of responding to and affecting the other’s state. Reciprocity is observed. Alternatively the relationship can be power-based where it serves to preserve a hierarchy, and reinforce the dominant and submissive stature of the members.

Lasting Romantic Relationships Dr. Neil Clark Warren, clinical Psychologist and founder of eHarmony.com, believes compatibility along the following 29 dimensionsExternal Link are important for establishing and sustaining a romantic relationship:

Character & Constitution: Good Character Dominance vs. Submissiveness, Curiosity, Industry, Vitality & Security, Intellect, Appearance, Sexual Passion, Artistic Passion, Adaptability Personality: Obstreperousness (Boisterousness), Sense of Humor, Sociability, Energy, Ambition Emotional Makeup & Skills: Emotional Health, Anger Management, Quality of Self Conception, Mood Management, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Kindness, Autonomy vs. Closeness Family & Values: Feelings about children, Family background, Education, Spirituality, Traditionalism, Values Orientation Quotations “We only fully trust a relation if it has survived occasional conflict” ~ Frans De Waal “At the heart of the difficulty in saying No is the tension between exercising your power and tending to your relationship” ~ William Ury. References: Games People Play, by M.D. Eric Berne

How to Use Power Phrases to Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, & Get What You Want by Meryl Runion

The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes, by William Ury

Our Inner Ape, by Frans De Waal

An architecture for human interaction

Many factors influence our behaviors. The model illustrated here organizes these factors into four distinct layers and also considers the symmetrical nature of relationships that are currently influencing our behavior. We can easily change some of the factors that lead to our behavior and we can’t change others. When analyzing your own behavior or that of others it is helpful to begin by determining which portions of this model are primarily responsible for the behavior.

The first layer, shown creating the foundation at the lowest level, recognizes that we are all human. Ducks quack, dogs bark, but humans speak, and reason, and are driven by our emotions, and share hundreds of universal characteristics regardless of our race or culture. These intrinsic similarities are called human nature. Below this layer, and not shown, is human physiology, describing the physical nature of our bodies.

The second layer recognizes the intrinsic differences that make us each the unique person we are. These are our personality traits. These stable characteristics remain primarily constant throughout our adult life.

The third layer addresses the habits, cultural differences, and even addictions we have learned throughout our lives. These learned responses are the results of classical conditioning, operant conditioning, and other learned associations and they create long term memories that act as limbic attractors to guide our (almost) automatic responses to many situations.

Finally we come to the top layer where our thoughts directly guide our choices. This cognition gives us free will and the ability to choose our actions based on our beliefs, values, goals, motivation, and intent. Our autonomy is within this layer. Perhaps curiosity about layers above this one drives various spiritual pursuits.

At each of these layers, our behavior is also influenced by the nature of the relationships we are acting in. While relationships can have many characteristics, they are organized here according to their power structure, which refers to the symmetry of the relationship, demonstrated by the nature of reciprocity. Peers are equals. If behaviors throughout the relationship demonstrate you are an equal with the other person in the relationship, this is called a peer relationship, and the interactions are largely symmetrical. On the other hand, power is asymmetrical. If you feel you must defer or submit to the other person in the relationship this is called a power relationship, and the interactions are largely asymmetrical. This dimension captures the idea “I am special” at one pole and the idea “We are all the same, we are all connected” at the other pole. This dimension is often so pervasive it becomes almost invisible.

A Story Bob is a young, single, ambitious, hansom, well educated professional. He is beginning work for a prestigious corporation. His new boss, Susan, is professional, ambitious, drop dead gorgeous, and single. Human nature is a wonderful thing. His selfish genes give him a clear and immediate message: “Your legacy depends on mating her now”.

His personality is introverted, agreeable, conscientious, neurotic, and open to experience. His acquaintances describe him as courteous, devout, honest, and self-sacrificing. Her personality is extroverted, disagreeable, conscientious, emotionally stable, and open to experience. Unfortunately even her friends describe her as aggressive, bigoted, bullying, cocky, and domineering. Can these two personalities possibly result in the elusive chemistry of a romantic relationship? [complete this]

Bob comes from a conservative background and culture. He is the type of polite, considerate gentleman that ensures us chivalry is not dead. He has been consistently taught never to mix romance and business. [Complete this include deeper conditioned behaviors]

Applying this Architecture As you observe your own behavior, or especially the behavior of others, consider which of these four layers is most responsible for each action. That analysis can help you decide if this is behavior that can change or behavior that cannot change. We cannot change human nature, and we cannot change personalities. It requires a systematic program to extinguish learned responses, so only cognitive choices can be readily changed. Don’t waste time trying to change what cannot be changed.

Quotations: Our confusion about who we are is certainly related to the fact that we consist of a large set of levels, and we use overlapping language to describe ourselves on all of those levels ~ Douglas R. Hofstadter References: How the Mind Works, by Steven Pinker

The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature, by Steven Pinker